It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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