Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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