Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
i've created a new STD.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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