my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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