Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
