talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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