If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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