Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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