DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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