I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
