Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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