6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It's shark week go big or go home
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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