i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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