i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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