Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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