It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize