4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
