i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
