When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize