Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
