He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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