Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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