how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm just crazy horny about you
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
