He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
