peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Randomize