Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
