We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
