Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
