Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Dignity is for republicans.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
