1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
