Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
