my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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