I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
And then my night got REAL pukey
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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