After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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