seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Randomize
