One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
