Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
