The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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