Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
