the condom got lost in my hair
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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