Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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