You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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