I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
