is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
