Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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