I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
