he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
