Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
