Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
