my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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