My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
