I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
