I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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