If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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