just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we're making bets on your personal life
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
