I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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