You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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