I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
