there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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