You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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