Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
